I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
