he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
