i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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