if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
