A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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