My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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