he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
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The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
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Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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