i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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