he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
