Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
