I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
