i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
