I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
