hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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