I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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