The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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