just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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