I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
