So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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