Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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