Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
