Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
