I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
