Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
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But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
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He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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