There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
