I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
