I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
