Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
