we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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