He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
