seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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