The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
