WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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