On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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