I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
