Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
