yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
