I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
