Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
