can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
