somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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