his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
