I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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