I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
