Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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