Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
