Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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