I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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