The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
