a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
