Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I would ride that face into the sunset
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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