So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
