I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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