I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
