God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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